Here in Louisiana we have crossed the halfway mark for summer vacation.  We have completed 6 weeks and there are 5 more to go.  I am a mom who counts down until school starts back in August.  I love my children dearly but they exhaust and deplete me.  In the summer months, my life is not my own.  And honestly, I don’t like that one little bit.  

I was the one who was pushing my youngest out the door to kindergarten last fall.  I was so ready for some freedom.  And some quiet.  I was ready to hear my thoughts again, and organize my day around my wants and needs.  For 9 ½ wonderful months, only interrupted by a few pesky holidays, I got to have my life back from 8:30 until 4 Monday through Friday.  I got to choose how to spend my time.  I got to have a quiet house again.  It was beautiful.  As summer started to draw near though, I felt the dread come upon me.  Time to give up my life again.

I actually feel pretty horrible about feeling like this.  I mean, it was my decision to have these two wonderful children.  My husband and I adopted them, so it was a very intentional decision to raise our children.  I knew that my life would change drastically when we adopted them and that I would have a lot less time for myself.  I knew that they would have to come first, and I would have to come second.  And they are great kids.  They happen to be high maintenance in my opinion.  But it’s my job to mother them even when it’s tough so I just need to choose joy and be grateful.  I sure wish it was easy to do that.  

I can’t help but seeing how giving my life away for the sake of my children really is a spiritual discipline for me.  The Bible says we are to die to ourselves, to give our lives away, so that Christ will come and live in us.  Galations 2:20 says “I have been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who lives but Christ lives in me…”.  My life is not my own.  My life belongs to Christ and right now he has me right where I need to be, learning how to put myself aside and follow Him wherever He takes me.  He knew I would never willingly surrender my plan, my dreams for this life on my own, so He gave me two LOUD, high energy, strong-willed, lovable children to teach me what it means to give my life away.  

I have this hope that this surrender, this death of self, leads to LIFE.  Every single day I can choose to fight, fight, fight for the life that I WANT or think that I DESERVE and be resentful when I don’t get it.  Or I can let go of what I want, when I want it, and trust that God’s way is PERFECT.  Not easy.  Not convenient.  But perfect nonetheless.  

Here’s what I’ve learned.  When I fight for my own way, I am miserable.  Dying to self is awful and exhausting on those days.  But when I start my day by remembering that my life is not my own, surrender can actually feel good.  It feels like freedom.   

So I march on.  I continue to count the days until school is back in session.  But I also see that God must really love me and care about my spiritual growth to put these children in my life.  And I am grateful for them.